Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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