i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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