Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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