it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
