so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
