so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
