I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
