Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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