I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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