One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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