omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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