Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
