last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
