I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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