Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
