she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
