oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You ate ashes out of my bong
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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