My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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