first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
