i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
