Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
