Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
