My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm passing your future prison.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
