i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
