Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
