I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
