4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
