saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
