just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
