We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
