put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
