There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
