Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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