happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
