I think I won the penis lottery.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
