Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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