he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i wish my penis had a tongue
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Alive.
So much puke
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
