he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
