textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just threw up on my dentist
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
