The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
