your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
