Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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