No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
