sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
