I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
