A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
