it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
