so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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