It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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