i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
