Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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