can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
